Let’s face it, when you have a struggling teen or young adult, the holiday season is just not what it used to be. We see many trends, challenges and successes through our transitional work with families when it comes to thriving during the holiday season.
There are many concerns surrounding how the holiday will play out, how to manage emotions how to make decisions that will support the whole family system.
Here is a glimpse into the guidance we offer that helps families to do their best…
1) Nostalgia Kills
Throughout the treatment process, parents often comment that they miss the “little girl” or “10-year-old boy” who their teenager used to be. This feeling often is stirred up over the holidays and it can send the wrong message, especially if you are saying it out loud.
The fact is, things are different now, and it is so important to strive toward a level of acceptance surrounding the changes in your children and your family system.
You want your child to know that you accept who they are NOW, which does not mean you offer permission for the unhealthy behaviors; rather, it is the practice of acceptance and commitment to the growth everyone is making. It would not be good for anyone if, for example, your 16-year-old girl acted the same way she did when she was 8.
By getting stuck in the past, you are delivering the message that you would rather be there, in a time that no longer exists, than right here with the people around you.
Rather than delivering that message, understand that there is appropriate grief and loss work that you might need to do for yourself, in order to show up as your best self for your family.
2) Bittersweet Can Still be Sweet
Be sure to honor the sweet and don’t just give credence to the bitter. Many family members, including the children in treatment, have actually said that their first holiday apart was better than the last few holidays together. With healthy separation, each has the reprieve to relax and enjoy, again, without worrying about an emotional tornado.
Families often say that they learn through this experience that it is possible to enjoy the holidays again. Parents and children in treatment then have the opportunity to discuss how to enjoy holidays together, in the future, especially when they see that enjoyment “apart” is possible.
3) Role Modeling Matters
Simply said, your job as a parent is to act like the adult you hope your child grows up to be. As the holidays approach, check your attitude. If you exude catastrophic energy because you assume things will fall apart, the people around you will feel that and feed off of it.
Instead, engage in the practices that your child in treatment is being asked to practice, such as journal writing about related emotions, developing a relapse prevention plan to avoid the pitfalls of your own emotional reactions. Be proactive by staying engaged in your own wellness…go on walks, get to the yoga class, don’t miss the basketball game with the guys…whatever it might be.
4) Build trust with transparency (don’t fake it!)
If your child is recently home from treatment, nerves can be edgy with everyone walking on eggshells, trying not to ruffle feathers. You are afraid that the “old story” and old patterns will resurface. Don’t be naive, but don’t live in fear either. Instead, be transparent about your feelings and concerns by simply talking about them.
When we don’t talk about the nervousness or the fear we tend to just react to it in unproductive ways. Allowing you and your family the opportunity to just open the lines of communication as you enter the holidays, can abate the fears and concerns and can enhance your ability to address them in healthy ways rather than emotionally reacting.
5) Stress is Your Friend
Offer yourself the opportunity to shift how you view stress. You are part of a generation of parents who stereotypically view stress and uncomfortable emotions as “bad.” This viewpoint helped protect and rescue children from facing challenges.
For example, a generation ago, when a child was upset by the holiday plans developed by the parents, the child had to “deal with it”.
More and more nowadays, parents report changing preset plans for the entire family due to one child’s discomfort. These parents have also admitted to changing these plans 2 or 3 times in a season, with the intention of helping the child “feel better” each time he or she complains about the plans, unfortunately, placing the child and the child’s discomfort in charge of the planning.
HOWEVER, experiencing stress, feeling it and recognizing it can help you and your children build resilience and problem-solving skills.
The goal here is to stop trying to avoid stress and to learn to live differently with it. You can change how you deal with others when you are experiencing stress, simply by saying to yourself, “it makes sense to be stressed right now and we will do our best to figure it all out”.
6) Make a healthy plan
This might begin with the parent needing to make a thoughtful decision about where you will be, with whom and whether or not it is appropriate for your child to have a home visit at this time if he or she is still in treatment. Address, as a family, what are the pros, and cons and general risks. While you do not want to run your home or your decisions in a fear-based way, it is important to be thoughtful, smart and aware.
For example, if you have a substance-using child in treatment, are you prepared for the holidays to be substance free? Is your house free of easily found prescription or over the counter drugs?
7) Don’t overask how everyone is feeling
Don’t over ask about how your kids are feeling, especially your child who was recently in treatment. It can be overwhelming for anyone to be asked repetitively how they are feeling.
Perhaps, write a letter that is left on your daughter’s bed that expresses your excitement about having her home and your desire to be there with her through happy times and the not so fun times.
Have a “drive by” check in with your son, even while you are simply shooting some hoops together, where you keep your message short and sweet: “Hey bud, just wanted to let you know I was thinking about having you home for the holidays. It has been hard in the past and I know we are on a new path. If you are having a tough time with anything, I am sure you will find a way through but if you need me, I am here.”
Depending on your child’s communication style, it can be useful to ask him or her if they have hopes or fears leading into the holidays together…this can be a dinner topic or fireside chat over a board game.
If your child is coming home on a break, it is important that you create a plan with the current treatment providers that includes appropriate structure.
If you want tools and guidance for this and you do not have support already, Lifestyle Agreements are a specialty of ours at Solutions Parenting Support and we are happy to help!
8) Act Natural
Remember to BE YOURSELF! Approach the holidays the way you do naturally while also being mindful of the emotions that others around you are experiencing, so as not to minimize their experience. Do not ask your child to stop feeling their emotions because, “c’mon, it’s the holiday season for goodness sake!” However, remember that you can validate their emotions without allowing them to take yours over.
9) Don’t Over-commit
Make sure you are not over-committing or letting “obligations” run the show. With a child home from treatment, some things need to be different and the community who is a part of your supported system needs to understand that.
You will not make every event, nor will you even try. Be clear and consistent with others about your needs and limitations and do not let guilt or judgment from extended family run your life. As Susan Stiffelman says, “be the confident captain of your family’s ship”.
10) Let go of perfectionism
Be aware of your expectations both of yourself and of others….cut out half of your to-do list, delegate, let go of things being done a certain way and pay attention to where the voice comes from that tells you it needs to be done “this way”.
For your child who is home from treatment, getting something done part way rather than all the way can be helpful…if, for example, helping with the dishes feels daunting, let him know that he needs to get some of them done to help out OR ask him if he is OK with you helping him out and you can do them together. You do not need to let him get away with doing nothing, but flexibility can go a long way.
One of my favorite childhood holiday memories was when our dishwasher unexpectedly broke. I remember going outside with my mom and spraying the dishes down with a hose to get the majority of the foodstuff off. This was a massive shift from out OCD-esque typical lifestyle and as such has become a moment that defines me, as I try to incorporate unexpected approaches into life with my kids, just to keep us laughing.
11) Down Time is a Must
Whatever you do, make sure there is time for everyone in your family to have some rest and relaxation, both together and apart, where nothing needs to get done. Everyone needs time to recover and some folks need to be with people for this, while others prefer to reboot by themselves with a book.
Make sure your kids see you having downtime in ways that don’t include a screen so you can role model this for them…sit on the front porch watching the world for 10 minutes with some eggnog or tea; read a book; do a crossword…something you enjoy.
Above all, if you are generally aware and dedicated to learning, you can know that what you are doing is enough and that you and your family will thrive during the holidays.
Hilary Moses, Jen Murphy
& Jen Rapp Sheridan
Solutions Parenting Support
About Solutions Parenting Support
Solutions Parenting Support, LLC is a nationally recognized parent support and transitional program assisting families during and after wilderness therapy treatment and/or residential treatment programming. With business offices in Steamboat Springs, CO and Tucson, AZ the team is supporting parents and families in the United States and around the globe. The team of parent coaches and transitional specialists are family-system focused, licensed professional therapists and/or licensed social workers with a combined 40+ years of experience working in wilderness therapy programs, varying levels of residential treatment programming and transitional support.